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A smile increases your face value! So spend a little while here exercising your smile muscles with these humorous stories, sayings, anecdotes and jokes.
Download a free "Meet the Shepherd" wallpaper and screensaver! |
A smile increases your face value! So spend a little while here exercising your smile muscles with these humorous stories, sayings, anecdotes and jokes.
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You Know You're Getting Even Older When... 1) You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2) Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3) At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4) Your back goes out, but you stay home. 5) When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6) It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7) When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8) When happy hour is a nap. 9) When you're on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does. 10) When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it. 11) When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12) When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13) Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14) It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15) Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. Busted! A woman pulled up to a red light behind another car. The driver of the car in front of her was talking on his cell phone, and shuffling through some papers on the seat beside him. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice. The woman began pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man still didn't move. The woman went ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dashboard. The light turned yellow. The woman blew the car's horn repeatedly, as she yelled and screamed curses at the man. The man finally noticed the commotion. He looked up, saw the yellow light, and accelerated through the intersection just as the light turned red. The woman was beside herself, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant she heard a tap on her window and looked into the face of a very serious looking policeman. The policeman told her to shut off her engine and step out of the car. The red-faced woman obeyed, speechless at what was happening. The policeman then arrested the woman and took her to the police station where she was booked and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours the woman was escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer was waiting with her personal effects. The policeman handed her the bag containing her things, and said, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and screaming and cursing. Then I noticed the *Choose Life* license plate holder, the *Follow Me to Sunday School* bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed that you had stolen the car. Have a blessed day!" With Valentine's Day approaching, Tom went to the department store to get his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror. Man Vs. Woman Success: TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING TWAS THE
NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP THE LEFTOVERS
BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE TOSSING AND
TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION SO, I RACED
TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR I GOBBLED UP
TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES, I WAS PILING
MORE FOOD UP ON A LARGE TRAY, I CRASHED
THROUGH THE BOARDS TOWARD THE BASEMENT BELOW, BUT, I
MANAGED TO YELL AS I FELL OUT OF SIGHT, A Halloween Story Late one dark
night a man was walking home alone when he hears
a....."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP", behind him. Walking
faster he looks back and makes out the image of an
upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the
street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... That's One... An old man and woman lived away back in the woods with their old bloodhound. Usually, every afternoon, the old man would sit on the porch with the dog beside him, whittling away at an old piece of tree limb, while the wife would cook supper. He didn't like being in the house while she cooked, because he just couldn't put up with her. One day, while he was whittling, the dog sat up and began howling at something off in the distance. The dog continued to bay and howl while the man sat patiently, whittling away, his shotgun at his side, but he never took notice of what was going on. Eventually, the woman's voice came out of the window, "Make that dog stop that infernal howling NOW!" The man, without lifting his eyes, said to the dog, "Hush, dog. That's one." The man continued to whittle and the dog continued to howl. After a while, the woman once again screamed out of the window, "Didn't you hear me, you good for nothin' man? I said make that dog shut up NOW!" The man continued whittling and said in the same tone, "Hush, dog. That's two." But the dog continued howling. So the man sat down his stick and his knife, picked up his shotgun, said, "That's three," and BOOOOM! He blew the dog right off of the porch! The old woman came flying out the door, saw the dead dog a distance from the porch, and saw the old man lay down his shotgun and pick up his knife to whittle. "What in Sam Hill did you do that for," the old woman shouted in his face. " I ain't never seen someone do something so stupid in all my borne days. I mean,...." The old man continued to whittle. "Hush, woman. That's one." After You, Dear A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled the women to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines!" Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism, the wife in one family thought they had better do something to witness to their neighbors for Jesus. So she invited their less well-to-do next-door neighbours to dinner the following Friday night. When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home. So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace. Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say." There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's mother. "Well darling," she said, "just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning." Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, we've got those awful people coming to dinner tonight!" A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that's what I call faith!" An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!" "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "I told you you'd forget something. Where's the toast?" Who Wants To Stay A Millionaire? At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again." Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." A couple decided to go to Florida for the weekend, but because they both worked it was hard to coordinate their schedules. So they decided the husband would go a day early, and his wife would join him the following day. On arriving, the husband thought he would email his wife from his laptop, but he accidentally mistyped her email address and sent it off without realising. A widow had
just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a
minister of many years who had been 'called home to
glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her
e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends,
but instead found this: Signs of the Times
- On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE
Pennsylvania "Don't sleep with a drip, call your
plumber." Chances For Recovery Look Slim A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." 1. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood." 2. "At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work." 3. "For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores." 4. "Satisfy his every whim." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. "You're going to die,"she informed him. Training Courses Now Available for Men 1.
Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop Genius At Work At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!" As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday. The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?" The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."
Cause Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Somethin' From The Oven There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died, so he slowly made his way down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula, snapping, "Don't touch those!" Recoiling his stinging hand, he asked her, "Why did you do that?" "Because," she said, "Those are for the funeral." PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town years ago, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two brothers in need of some cash filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts which they would later sell. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the brother that was dividing them. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. A boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along, "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike. WHAT'S HE GOING TO BE? An older
couple had a son, who was still living with them. The
parents were a little worried, as the son was still
unable to decide about his future career. So they decided
to do a small test. A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat is dead!" In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told, "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof.' Then the next day, 'He is not doing very well,' and finally, 'I'm afraid your cat has passed away,' and let me down slowly that he died. Your bluntness showed a lack of consideration and compassion." After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today." Ignorance Is No Excuse We are told in the Bible to abide by the laws of the land. To that end, to make sure your conscience is clear, here are a few of the laws still on the books in various States around the U.S. Please be certain to obey them, under penalty of law. Alabama: California: Connecticut: Helping Him Out A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, he suffered a coronary and was hospitalized. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please, tell me what I can do?" "Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters." SHEPHERD WISDOM Two shepherds were leaning on their staffs at the end of a long hard day of shepherding. The first asked the second, "So, how's it going?" The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." The first replies, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it." THE PIG AND THE CHICKEN A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution. "Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?" "Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment." Keys To Understanding the Opposite Sex A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. The Style: Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her, a man, of the woman who didn't. There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use in two people remembering the same thing. The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. A passenger on a train visited the dining car and ordered a bowl of soup. When delivered, it had a fly in it and the outraged passenger wrote to the president of the railroad, expressing his dismay and vowing never to ride that railroad again. Then he received a letter from the president, apologizing profusely, vowing that this was an unprecedented occurrence and explaining the steps that had been taken to insure it never happened again. The passenger was almost persuaded until he discovered that the envelope also contained a small slip of paper containing his name and address and the handwritten notation: "Send this jerk the bug letter." There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a saint!" A Miss-Understanding The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said as he handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." The painter declined, saying "No, I can't accept that." "I insist," said the man. "It would make me very happy if you did it." "Well," said the man reluctantly, but with appreciation, "If you really don't mind it, I'll do it." Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you leave something behind?" "Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take the missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked." The Collectable Cat A famous art collector was walking through a city he was visiting when he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He did a double take when he saw what the cat was drinking from. He knew that the saucer was extremely old and very valuable, so he walked casually into the store and offered to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replied, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector said, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner said "Sold," and handed over the cat. The collector, carefully nonchalant, continued, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." To which the owner replied, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold twenty-three cats." Not Clear On The Concept A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive but dim female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then, finding nothing in it, slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'" It's All In How You Look At It An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.' And then I'll go in!" The Food Most Hazardous To Your Health A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in a major city. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago," he stated unequivocally. "Red meat is awful for your physical well-being. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables tainted with pesticides can be disastrous, and bread made from refined flour is terrible for you!" The physician with a beef against food addressed the audience with a question. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said with certainty, "Wedding cake!" An Accurate Auto Analysis A wife experiences some car trouble and calls her husband at work. WIFE: "Hey, hon. There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool." 10 Reasons Not to Wash
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply pull the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" Farmer Joe's Day In Court Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?," questioned the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!" A little church in the suburbs had suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.' " A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter, just as services are starting, they show up. Attendance was good in the small Methodist church, and there wasn't a pew available; several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back." The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?" "Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three Chairs ... For The Baptists," he enunciated. The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshippers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!" Now You Tell Me An unhappy-looking old man had stood in the long gift return line at the store. Finally he made it to the counter with his package. The clerk, observing his stubble of day-old beard, spotted here and there by bits of stuck-on toilet paper, asked if he could help him. The old man brought out the item he wished to exchange, an electric razor. "My son bought me this newfangled shaver," complained the fellow, "and he said it would let me shave in half the time with less cuts than my old straight razor. I tried it this morning, and it took almost a half hour, and it pulled out more hair than it cut! I want a refund!" The patient clerk took the electric shaver and looked it over, seeing clumps of wiry facial hair sticking out of the screen. "Let's see if we can tell what the problem might be." After turning it over and trying to switch it on, he removed the base and found that there were no batteries in it. Asked the clerk, "Did you try some new batteries before taking them out?" The grizzled old farmer squinted his eyes and rubbed his rough face, then asked, "It needs batteries?" Happiness Is In Your Outlook A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas their father gave the pessimist the most expensive, fanciest toy he could find. For the optimist he gift-wrapped a box of horse manure. The next morning the father came downstairs and found the pessimist sitting in front of his opened present crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toy will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin. Seeing the optimist, who was dancing for joy in front of the crate of manure, he asked, "What are you so happy about?" To which the optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony around here somewhere!" A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" Holiday Etiquette For Dogs
How do sheep
in Mexico say Merry Christmas? It was reported to SheepLaughs that this letter was delivered to multiple media outlets in the USA recently. You may judge for yourself the authenticity of the letter and identity of the sender. From Santa
Claus To all the USA, Redneck Interpretation of Computer Terms BACKUP: What
you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. Christian Pick-up Lines "Nice
bible" You And Me Both, Sister A pastor was in a discussion with an elderly church member about a relative of hers who had seen the light and joined the church after a lifetime of riotous living. "Will my converted cousin's sins be forgiven?" she asked. "Oh, certainly," replied the pastor, "Remember, the greater the sin, the greater the saint." The woman thought silently for a time. Then she said, "Oh, Pastor, how I wish I'd known this fifty years ago." An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk." He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk." Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk. Labor fee: $75."
How to Use English Properly1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat) 6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. Back From The Grave After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked! "If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought. So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes. A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside. "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked. "Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled. The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!"
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" A man had been shipwrecked on a remote island in the Pacific, and was alone for 20 years. When a ship finally arrived, his rescuers were impressed with the three buildings he had built and asked him about them. "Well," the man replied, "this is my house, and that building over there is my church. It's a wonderful church and I hate to leave it." "And what is the third building yonder?" a rescuer asked. "Oh, that's the church I used to go to," the man replied. They Shared Everything A little old couple walked slowly into a fast-food restuarant. A young couple at a nearby table looked admiringly at them, and the husband whispered to his wife, "Look, they've been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the younger couple began to be bothered. The woman said to the man, "All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." Her husband, a sympathetic fellow, stood and walked over to the the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Sitting back down, after a few minutes the man noticed that the old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, and at his wife's silent urging, he went over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he went over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "the teeth." An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" Chow Down... A little boy went to stay the night with a friend and ate supper with their family. Before they ate, the boy bowed his head and waited for the blessing to be said. But everyone started helping themselves to the food and he looked back up, puzzled. "What's wrong, why aren't you eating?" asked his friend's mom. The boy, who had been taught to give thanks, asked, "Don't you pray at meals?" The father said they didn't. "Oh, I see," said the lad, "You're just like my dog--you start right in!" A single man was visiting a new church and saw only one empty seat between two nice-looking ladies. Being somewhat timid, he was reluctant to go in and be seated. The usher, a fatherly type, saw him hesitating and said encouragingly, "You go on in and sit down. They won't mind." The fellow gulped. "But what would I say to them?" "Just be friendly," the older man suggested. "Ask them if they are married and if they have any children." He nervously sat down between the two ladies and turned to the one on the right, asking, "Do you have children?" She replied, "Yes." He asked, "Are you married?" She reddened and turned away. Hoping for better results with the remaining lady, he turned to her and asked, "Are you married?" "No," she told him. He then asked, "Do you have any children?" Pet Letters To God Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we lay on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street. Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing? Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name, please? It would be good for my self-esteem. MY APPETITE IS MY SHEPHERD My appetite is my shepherd; I always want. It maketh me sit down and stuff myself. It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly. It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper. It destroyeth my shape. Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating for the food tasteth so good. The ice cream and the cookies they comfort me. When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me for I knoweth that I soon shall dig in. As I filleth my plate continuously, my clothes runneth smaller. Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever. A pastor, after being away for the weekend, came back to town and saw one of his members at the store. Curious if he was missed, and if his young new assistant did well, he asked her, "How did the assistant pastor do Sunday Morning?" The lady threw up her hands. "Oh, Pastor, I hate to tell you this, but it was a very poor sermon. His delivery was fine, but the material was lacking. Nothing in it at all." The pastor was a little perplexed since he had heard the young man before and he did fine. But he was secretly a little pleased to know that his own wisdom and words had been missed and that he couldn't be replaced easily. Later in the week before Wednesday service he saw his assistant and asked, "How did it go Sunday morning?" His secret pleasure was decreased somewhat on hearing his reply, however. The young fellow smiled. "Excellent," he said with confidence. "However, you had to leave so quickly that I didn't have time to prepare anything myself, so I preached one of your sermons." Snatching Defeat From The Jaws of Victory A state trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked "Is your daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No,
he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy
doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking
to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the
whispered answer. Growing
concerned as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?" "A
hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is
going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed,
whispering voice, the child answered, "The search
team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, and
more than a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What
are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle, "Me." Teacher Boots Student; Story at 11 A boy in kindergarten was having trouble putting on his snow boots and he asked his teacher to help him. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally she got one ill-fitting boot on and began on the second one. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots." Her trial starts next month. Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children." The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... 'HEY LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!'"
Predictable Stock Market Report Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cattle futures steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola and Pepsi both fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. Maybe It's Just You A man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?" The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?" She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!" A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. Fighting Fire With Fire I received a call from one of those annoying telephone marketers the other day. This lady asked me if I'd be willing to participate in a survey. I agreed to do so. She began the questions, but I interrupted her. "Wait a second," I said. "Who is this and what organization do you represent?" She answered my question and continued asking questions. I interrupted her again. "What's the purpose of this survey?" I asked. "Sir," she replied irritably, "I don't have time to answer your questions." She then hung up on me. The Hand of the Lord Takes Many Forms The Mississippi River was flooding its banks and the waters were rising around Clem's house. The waters had gotten to the level of the front porch where Clem was standing. A man in a rowboat came by and called to Clem, "Hop in and I'll take you to high ground." Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!" The river continued to rise to the second story windows and Clem, looking out, saw a powerboat come up. The man in the powerboat called to Clem, "Hop in and I'll take you to high ground." Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!" The river had now risen to the roof of the house. Clem was sitting on the ridge at the top of the house, with the waters swirling around his feet. He saw a helicoptor fly over and the people inside yelled over a bull horn, "Grab the rope and climb in and we'll take you to high ground." Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!" The river continued to rise and finally it engulfed the house and Clem was drowned. The next thing he knew, Clem was standing before his God. In anger, he asked God, "I put my trust in you. Why have you forsaken me?" And his God replied, "What do you want from me? I sent you a rowboat, a powerboat, and a helicopter!" A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?&qu |
