Sheep Laughs: wallpaper/screensaver

An old gentleman at a small country church had given the same testimony at every meeting for the last twenty years. It was always, "I'm not making much progress, but Praise the Lord, I'm established." One rainy afternoon his car slipped off the narrow dirt road and into the ditch. Try as he could, he couldn't budge, but simply spun his tires. Along came a deacon who could never quite accept the old fellow's testimony. Stopping to look the situation over he said with a smile, "Well, Brother, I see you're not making much progress, but you 're sure established!"

A worker was trying to get a large, heavy pulpit through the door of a church. A passerby, seeing his struggle, offered to help. They pushed and tugged until they were exhausted but it wouldn't move. Finally, the man on the inside said, "We'd better give up, we'll never get this out."

The volunteer on the outside end said, "What do you mean, get it out? I thought you were trying to get it in!"

Before leaving a restaurant, a mother had given her three year old son two dimes to put in the gum machines as they went out the door. While she stood at the counter paying the bill, the boy began to cough. Seeing one dime in his hand, she realized that he had swallowed the other one and was choking. Frantically she picked him up and rushed into the dining room, crying, "Help! He's swallowed some money and he's choking to death!"

Quickly a man in a suit rushed to help. "Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll take care of him." So saying, he took the boy, turning him upside down and holding his ankle with one hand while giving him a sharp whack on the back with the other. Almost at once the boy coughed up four dimes, two nickels and several pennies.

"Wow" exclaimed the mother. "He only swallowed one and look at all that money. You must be a doctor!"

A lady whose husband's climb up the ladder to success led her to a more showy way of life changed to a better car, finer home, more expensive furs and a more socially-upscale church. After another major advance which landed her at the Mercedes-Benz stage, she paid a visit to her latest minister.

"I've had the feeling for some time that I should fit in better with my friends at another church," she sniffed, swinging her furs around her back and flashing her diamond rings. "What would be your opinion, sir?"

"My dear lady," the clergyman replied, "it matters little what kind of label you put on an empty bottle!"

9. He has replaced the framed Ten Commandments in the foyer with a travel poster.

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "all right, listen up you heathens..."

4. Every time his pager goes off, he exhibits a facial tic and shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday: "Come Ye Apart and Rest A Little While."

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

A clergyman was walking down a country lane and saw a boy struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and then I'll give you a hand."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Preacher Candidates

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for preaching.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

Noah: Former preacher of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

You know you've been online too long when...

Say It With Flowers

An irate customer complained to the florist, “You sent the wrong flowers to my wife for our anniversary. They said, “With Deepest Regrets.”

“Oh, no,” cried the florist. “Somewhere right now there’s a funeral with flowers that read “Dear, You’ve Made Me So Happy!”

The Final WordAAA

The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused and asked, “What more can I say, my friends, what more can I say?”

From the back of the congregation came a voice that elicited a ripple of snickers. “Amen.” it suggested.

Church Marquee Signs:

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to rebuke the spirits of darkness.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

You Can't Win: AAA

The local post office received a letter addressed "To God." Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.

The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting. "Dear God," began the writer. "I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month's due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a nightwatchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us $1,000 and I won't bother you again."

The pastor read the name and one of the committee members recognized it. "He lives right down the street from the church," she said. "This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care."

The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with $500, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.

Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow. "Dear God," it read. "I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me $1,000 to get these creditors off our backs. Thanks again. P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it."

A preacher stepped into the pulpit one Sunday morning with a Band-Aid on the side of his face. He explained at the start of his sermon, “I cut myself while shaving. I guess I was meditating on my sermon.”

An hour and fifteen minutes later a sleepy member of the congregation whispered to his wife, “He should have meditated on his shaving and cut his sermon!”

The sermon had gone on a long time. A visitor leaned over to the person next to him and asked, “How long has he been preaching?”

“Oh,” said the stranger. “Guess I’ll stay. He ought to be through soon.”

Cash and Carry...

A miserly rich man was nearing the end and he called three of his closest friends to his bedside: a doctor, a minister and a lawyer.

“They always say that you can’t take it with you,” he wheezed. “But I’m going to prove them wrong.” He handed each of them an envelope. “Inside each envelope is fifty thousand dollars, evenly divided from my estate. I want each of you to throw your envelope in the grave with me just before they cover me up. You are the only ones I could trust to carry out my last wishes.” And so saying, he expired.

Several days later at graveside services, they did as he asked. The three friends walked away in silence. Presently the clergyman spoke. “I have a confession to make,” he started. “The church has desperately needed some major repairs, so I kept back $10,000 of the money to do it.”

This prompted the doctor. “I, too, friends, must confess: the hospital needed a new wing, so I only threw in $10,000 and have already given the rest to the building fund.”

The lawyer stared at the two chagrined men. “Gentlemen! I am shocked, and ashamed of you for keeping back part of the money.” He turned to leave, with a grim smile. “I’ll have you know, friends, that I threw in a personal check for the entire amount!”

Well, You Asked...

A young preacher, fresh out of seminary, was scheduled to deliver the sermon at a pastor’s convention. Afterwards he asked an old pastor what he thought of his sermon. Kindly, he replied, “Young man, your sermon was like the peace and mercy of God.”

Taking it as a compliment he pressed, “What do you mean?”

“It was like the peace of God in that it passed all understanding,” replied the pastor, “And the mercy of God in that I thought it would endure forever.”

Drinking Problem:

A man bought his pretty new lady friend a soda and sat down at the table with her. She took a drink, then suddenly spewed it out all over him. Shocked and soaked, he gasped, “What’s wrong? Did you get choked?”

“No,” she explained. “I have a nervous compulsion, and I can’t control it. It’s so embarrassing when it happens!”

“Maybe you’d better see a psychiatrist,” he suggested as he wiped his face.

Several weeks later he took her to lunch and she did the same thing again, much to his displeasure. “I thought you were going to see a shrink about that!” he shouted.

A sour old geezer had suffered an apparently fatal seizure and his widow had prepared him for burial as was the backwoods custom in the last part of the 1800’s. As the pallbearers carried him to the cemetery in the plain pine box, they accidentally hit the gatepost and dropped the coffin, spilling him out. To everyone’s shock, the jar revived him and he sat up, loudly complaining!

Unfortunately, the close brush with a premature burial didn’t improve his disposition. If anything, he was even more cantankerous and his long-suffering wife always caught the worst of it. The next year, however, he died again, this time after a heart attack.

But as they carried him into the cemetery for the second time, his widow called out, “Watch out for the post!”

A young preacher was visiting a man in an oxygen tent in a hospital room. Standing by the bed he asked the elderly gentleman how he was feeling, but the patient merely grunted. Undeterred, the minister opened his Bible and began to read.

Soon he noticed a change come over the man. His eyes started bulging and his face began to turn red. Sensing the end was near, the pastor asked if he had any message, or last words. The man nodded weakly, motioning to something beside the bed. Spotting a table, the sympathetic pastor picked up a pad and pencil and passed it to the man under the oxygen tent. The man wrote something, stuffed it in the preacher's hand, then died.

Shaken, the preacher stepped out of the room. Remembering the note, and realizing the importance of the man's last words, he uncrumpled the paper and read the hastily scrawled words: "You're standing on my oxygen line."

A minister joined a new acquaintance on the golf course, hoping to bring the subject around to church. The course adjoined a cemetery, and as they neared the next hole they observed a funeral procession coming down the road. As it passed their location the man stopped, solemnly removed his hat, and bowed his head till it passed. The minister, touched by his reverence, remarked, “I must say, friend. That was a most heart-warming display of sympathy. I’m touched by your show of respect.”

AAAAAThe golfer replaced his cap. “It’s the least I could do,” he said as he resumed rolling his golf bag to the green. “After all, she was my wife for 18 years.”

Gee, thanks!

While working on a message the pastor heard a knock at his office door. "Come in," he invited.

A contrite-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a large pig on a rope.. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" asked the man with his hat in his hand. Wordlessly, the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down in it gingerly. The pig proceeded to sniff around the office. With one eye on the animal and one on the man, the pastor folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, curious to hear the fellow's story. "What can I do for you?"

"My family is hungry," started the man. "So I stole this pig. But I feel that I have sinned. Would you please take it?"

"In that case," the minister said, "It would be all right for you to keep it and feed your family."

That seemed to settle things as far as the man was concerned. "Thank you for your help, sir." With a lighter step, he walked out of the office, leading the pig on the rope behind him.

Later that afternoon when the minister returned home, he said to his wife as he walked in, "Have I got a story to tell you."

"I have something to tell you first," she exclaimed. "Someone has stolen your prize pig!"

You First:

Three pastors had met for a time of mutual prayer and confession. One minister leaned his head on his hands as he spoke.

"I'm ashamed to admit it, but I must tell someone. I have terrible trouble with alcohol. I can go for months, then suddenly I'll fall off the wagon and go out of town to get fall-down drunk. If anyone knew I'd be so ashamed, but if I keep it up someone is bound to find me out. Please pray for me and with me."

They agreed to, and the second minister leaned forward. He spoke in low tones as he related his tormenting situation.

"My friends, I hate to tell you this, but I face a real struggle when dealing with women. I constantly fight the urge to sin but inevitably I slip. Not only that, but when I am out of town I visit strip shows. I must stop this terrible behavior, I need help before I'm ruined!"

The others sympathized and offered to council him. Finally the first two turned to the last and said, "We've poured out our hearts and confessed our deepest sins. Do you have a temptation you struggle with?"

"Yes," he answered. "I have an irresistible compulsion to gossip." He stood and put on his hat. "And I can't wait to get out of here!"

Vested Interest: AA

A rather well-dressed man called on the minister and told him a distressing story of poverty and misery in the neighborhood.

"This poor widow," he said, "with four starving children to feed, is sick in bed with no money for the doctor, and besides that, she owes $350 rent for three months and is about to be evicted. I'm out trying to help raise the rent money. I wondered if you can help?"

"I certainly can," said the minister. "If you can give your time to this cause, so can I. By the way, who are you?'

Man Crazy:

A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms. "I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told his guide.

The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the man. The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. "William," she repeated over and over. "Oh, William!"

"She was to marry a man named William," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad." They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, "William! William!"

Shock Treatment:

A lady had run into a psychologist acquaintance of hers while on a shopping trip. As they talked, her six year old son ran amok in the department store, in general behaving like the worst kind of brat. “I just can't seem to control him anymore," lamented the mom. "He doesn't listen to me, no matter how much I try to reason with him."

They looked over at the kid who had climbed up on a counter and was pretending to be an airplane, buzzing the clerks who tried to coax him down, to no avail.

"I think I may be able to help you," offered the man. "I'm up on the latest in motivational therapy techniques."

The doctor of psychology calmly walked over to the counter. Gently, he pulled him over to whisper into his ear. The boy jumped down from the counter and ran over to stand beside his mother, suddenly a model of good behavior. In wonderment she thanked her friend and they parted.

During the unusually quiet ride home, the curious mother asked, "What did Dr. Jones say to you, sweetie, that made you want to come down and be a good little boy?"

Jimmy spoke for the first time. "He said, 'Get the devil off that counter, you little monster, or I'll break your miserable neck!'"

A rather absent-minded pastor observed an interesting sight at the reception for a couple he had just united in marriage. The new husband rose to speak.

"I have a confession to make to my bride in front of all of you. I confess, dear, that before I married you, I spent many happy hours in the arms of another man's wife--my mother." All present enjoyed it and the minister made a mental note to use it at the occasion of his golden wedding anniversary to be celebrated that week at his church.

The big night arrived. The fellowship hall was full of guests to honor the pastor and his wife. He rose to speak. "After fifty years of married life, my dear, I have a confession to make to you in front of all our friends. Before I married you I spent many happy hours in the arms of another man's wife." He paused for dramatic effect, but his wife's look made him lose his train of thought and he finished weakly, "And for the life of me I can't remember who she was!"

45 mph...........................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph...........................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph...........................Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph...........................Nearer, Still Nearer
85 mph...........................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph...........................Lord, I'm Coming Home
over 100mph...................Precious Memories

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." (click for more)

Theme Songs For Bible Characters

A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.

One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

She thought on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"

"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.

A Christian couple felt it important to own an equally spiritual pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel owned by a believer that only watched Christian TV, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with great dexterity to turn the pages to the correct passage. Amazed and impressed, they purchased the uncanny canine, and went home... not ever thinking to ask about the dog's denominational upbringing.

That night they had some friends over from their Baptist church. They were so proud of their new dog and his spiritual skills, that they called the dog to show him off. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and the man clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, slapped him soundly on the forehead with a paw, then began to run around the room knocking over chairs and barking at the top of his lungs!

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" (click for more)

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? (Click for more...)

You grind your coffee beans with your teeth and then swish hot water around in your mouth.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new Protestant church down the road apiece, and they'll take in just about anybody. Maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why, didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

Top Nursing Home Party Games

1.   Sag - You're It!
2.   Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3.   20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4.   Kick the Bucket
5.   Doc, Doc, Goose
6.   Simon Says Something Incoherent
7.   Hide and Go Sleep
8.   Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9.   Musical Recliners
10. Bed Pan Bingo

Kids Today: Finding one of her students making faces at others in class, Mrs. Smith went over to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, one day it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"

On Red Sea Crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David and Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Points To Harmful Impact of Hard Rock

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!" The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord". The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, and of course she says "Praise the Lord". The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha! I bought those groceries - there is no God". The lady looks at him and smiles, remarking as she takes the bag inside, "Praise the Lord, not only did You provide for me Lord, You made Satan pay for the groceries!"

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. (Click to continue.)

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

A minister, having served the same church for many years with little fruit, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision, or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.

When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."

The assistant pastor immediately led the congregation in singing, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
the bathroom.

FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.

FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
play chess?

SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes drew a deep breath and sighed, and was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 8:30 or the 10:40 service?"

In an ancient monastery in a faraway place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand. One day he asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium), "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"

Fr. Florian was set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. "A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original." Fr. Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification.

After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking to the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying. When they opened the door, they found Fr. Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which were opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.

"What is the problem Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks. "Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate'!"

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the minister. The minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

Disgusted, the minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and shouts, "For the love of God, haven't you found Jesus yet?"

Gasping, the old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

The woman was pouring out her troubles to her pastor. "Oh, it's awful," she cried. "My husband won't work, and all of our bills are six months overdue."

"Well, look on the bright side," said the minister wryly. "You could be one of your creditors."

A deacon, driving home from church one hot and muggy Sunday afternoon, passed an older model car sitting on the side of the road with a flat tire. A young lady was struggling to get a spare out of the trunk, obviously having a difficult time. Wanting to be a "Good Samaritan," he turned around and went back to help.

Getting out of his car and rolling up his shirt sleeves, he smiled and said, "This is no job for a woman. Let me do it for you."

Fifteen minutes later, covered with sweat and grime, he finally got the spare on and began to take the car off the jack.

"Please take it down easy," whispered the lady. "My husband's taking a nap in the back seat."

The little girl was spending the summer with her grandmother. For breakfast the first morning her grandmother gave her a glass of orange juice and a bowl of cereal with milk.

"At home," the little girl said, "Mommy always has bacon and eggs for breakfast."

Her grandmother, willing to break her neck to please her little granddaughter, took away the cereal, poured it down the drain, and went to work preparing a bacon and egg breakfast.

Now grandmother was getting upset, and she said, "What do you mean, 'no thank you'? You told me your mother always has bacon and eggs for breakfast."

A minister was called to come to the bedside of a man who was dying. In spite of the lateness of the hour, the minister came and did what he could for the dying man. In a barely audible voice, and between hoarse hacking coughs, the man confessed his sins and asked the Lord's forgiveness as the minister bent close to catch his words.

As he was leaving, the minister said to the man's wife, "I was happy to come and comfort your husband the best I could. But, you're not members of my church. Don't you have a minister of your own faith?"

"Oh yes," the woman said, "but we couldn't call him out in the middle of the night and have him exposed to scarlet fever."

It was 2:00 A.M. in the middle of a snowstorm when the plumber's phone rang. "You've got to come at once," the frantic voice on the phone said. "My water pipes have frozen and burst, and freezing water is spraying everywhere!"

"Oh, man, I've had a terrible night," the plumber said groggily. "I've only had one hour's sleep because my truck is stuck in a snow bank and I had to walk two miles home. But, I'll get dressed and see what I can do. The only thing is, I don't have any transportation. You'll have to come and get me."